Why you’ve failed at your New Year’s Resolutions (AGAIN!) and what to do about it.

Agh the frustration! The anger! That sinking feeling that once again, even though you’ve resolved to make some changes this year and already (ALREADY!) you’ve fallen off the wagon.

Do not despair! You are not the only one, in fact - recent research shows that over 70% of people fail at keeping their New Year’s resolutions and only 12% go on to succeed what they set out to do.

So WHY do we fail so miserably at keeping New Year’s Resolutions and what can we do about it?

1.       Because it takes time for habits to form
Our brains are pattern matching organs – that is, they are designed to match or associate one thing up with another as a means of survival, growth and learning i.e. we instinctively associate standing at a busy road with looking before we cross, or we associate the feeling of hunger with eating.  However sometimes, our brains can make associations which have nothing to do with survival, like having a cigarette after a meal or eating chocolate at 3pm everyday, but because we’ve done it enough times, it has become ‘hardwired’ into the brain as an association or habit. Therefore, if you just decided one day to stop smoking after a meal, the brain would continue to send signals to you at first that something is missing because it is still running the old film through in your mind and expecting that cigarette/chocolate etc.  Some people have stronger willpower than others and if they can keep exercising this, eventually new neural pathways will form in the brain and the old pattern or association will fade. For others though, this can alarm them because they are not ready for it and the ‘craving’ becomes too much that they give in, because they think they are not strong enough. However, being ready for it in a kind of ‘ah I knew this would happen, oh well the craving WILL pass’ is one of the first steps to it feeling easier. It only takes a few times of practising the new behaviour before the patterns start to form. For example, if you moved your kitchen bin to a different place in the room, initially you would keep going to the old place but after a few times of doing this and then correcting yourself, the neural pathways would form in your mind and you would go to the right place. Do this and see how many times it takes you before you instinctively get it right, this will give you an indication of how long it takes you to form new patterns in your mind.


2.       Because the goal you have set is unrealistic
I remember a few years ago, sitting down on New Years Eve and writing a list of all the things I wanted to achieve in the coming year. I had 15 points on there including things like: learn to sail, take Italian language classes, run a marathon, stop eating chocolate, go to the gym everyday and so it went on.  Needless to say I never really focused on any of them properly.  Whilst it is wonderful to have ambition and inspiration and aspire to achieve better for ourselves, we are far more likely to be successful with this if we scale it down to one or two goals and make it achievable.  Researchers at University of Hamilton found that willpower is actually a finite resource and that if we ‘overuse’ it, we can exhaust it so focusing your energy on just one or two goals makes it much more likely that you will succeed.  Then, once you have got into the habit of achieving that goal, you don’t need to wait until next new year to start the next one. So have the big list but work through one at a time.


3.       Because the problem has a ‘positive intention’
Have you ever heard yourself say: a part of me wants to go out tonight but another part just can’t be bothered? We have a ‘conscious’ mind and an ‘unconscious’ and sometimes they don’t always want the same thing because…they have different agendas. 

Take the goal of wanting to Stop Smoking for example: the conscious mind is saying: right, that’s it, I’m stopping smoking because I’ve had enough of the smell, I refuse to spend that much money on them and I’m sick of this cough in the morning. Fair enough! However, the unconscious mind may be using the smoking as a way of getting essential needs met (a break from work, chatting with friends, stress relief through deep breathing). One of the mistakes people make is that they try and cut out everything associated with the smoking so they stop taking breaks, they stop socialising. People wanting to lose weight might stop going out for dinner with their friends. So after a while, the unconscious mind, starts sending messages to go back to that habit again because ‘unconsciously’ it believes this is the only way it can get those needs met.  So if its smoking, chocolate, wine or whatever you’re wanting to cut out, ask yourself what is this *giving* me and then look at how you can get those needs met in ways that won’t kill you/add inches to your waistline/damage your liver.

So in summary. . .

1.       Give yourself time to create new habits and patterns. Hypnosis is a great tool for helping to speed up this process because the unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and imagined.  So the more times you practice in your mind doing things differently, the quicker those new neural pathways will form.

2.       When planning your goal, be realistic and make it achievable. A good question to ask yourself is: do I want to do this for the rest of my life which might make you think twice about starting a regime of 250 stomach crunches a day!

3.       Become more aware of what the ‘positive intention’ is and then be creative about how you can get that need met in other ways. That way, the need to do (or not do) that behaviour becomes redundant.

And remember, changes don’t have to happen just around New Year.  In fact, I prefer to set my goals any time other than New Year because I feel less pressure on myself and I’m doing it because I want to, not because its New Year and we ‘should’.  It also helps to remember that progress does move forwards and backwards and just in the same way if you were climbing a set of steep steps, you wouldn’t jump from the 1st to the top, you’d go one at a time and maybe even take a break along the way and rest for a while before continuing on your quest to the top.


Stopping Smoking? Losing Weight? Become Happier? If you would like help and support in achieving your goals, I am offering FREE half hour Hypnotherapy consultations (either face to face or via Skype).  Click here to arrange your session with me.

About Sarah

With 5 weeks to go until the seasons ‘big event’, you might be wondering why I am writing this blog now and not wait until a week or so before.  Well because there is a very good reason for that and actually the key to NOT putting on excess weight over Christmas actually starts now.

I’ll explain why…

How many times have you heard yourself or others say, about November time: ‘right, I’m going on a diet, I need to lose weight for Christmas’?  And its no wonder, you just have to type into Google: ‘Drop a Dress Size for Christmas’ and The Mirror, The Sun, The Daily Mail and Tescos are all at it, suggesting this would be a very good idea.  In fact, I just spent 20 minutes reading through a very long thread on a well known forum for mums starting on the 1^st November where the members were all gearing themselves up to lose anywhere from 7 pounds to 2 stone *for* Christmas.  What was incredible was the real sense of determination and motivation that was oozing out of these posts with declarations of how much each person was going to lose and exactly *how* they were going to do it – *before* Christmas.

So what’s wrong with this?

Well we human beings are interesting creatures and when we tell ourselves we cannot have something:  ‘I’m going to cut out all bread’ or ‘I’m not going to give in to any snack cravings’ it works!....for a while. Absolutely it works, otherwise people wouldn’t do it right?  But what if I was to suggest, that it’s the very fact that it does ‘work’ whether it be for 2 months, 2 weeks or just 2 days that is the reason people put on MORE weight than they did BEFORE they started the diet – and many do!  Because what we are really talking about when we mention diets is…deprivation.  

So here’s how deprivation does it job…

…you go on the diet, the diet works, you lose weight, (it was hard work but you did it), you manage to get into that dress for Christmas, (yes!), people comment ‘wow - you’ve done so well!’, you feel proud, very proud of yourself, you did it, you really stuck to it – ok you didn’t see your friends so much but it was worth it, you’ve lost the weight.  You tell yourself you deserve a treat for all that, a reward for being so good, ah yes Christmas Day is just round the corner so you can eat whatever you want then, yes but not too much? But you’ve done so well and 1 day won’t matter, you deserve it right? Then Christmas Day is over and there is so much food left over – well it needs eating and I can’t let it go to waste, ugh now I’ve eaten too much, Oh well its Christmas, that’s what Christmas is all about right?  AND I only went on a diet *for* Christmas, remember?  Actually, that diet feels like long time ago now – OMG, I’ve put on weight, how did that happen?  Oh well, I’ve blown it now, I’ll wait until the New Year – that’s what New Years Resolutions are for right..?

Exhausting isn’t it?

Actually, there is another way…

You could NOT go on that diet from now until Christmas because if there is no going *on* a diet then there is no coming *off*a diet. 

It’s about improving your *relationship* with food and eating…

What would it be like to start to take certain foods off that deprivation list and instead eat the foods you really enjoy, but find you eat them when you are honestly, physically hungry for them AND stop when you are truly satisfied.  This might sound very different from what you are used to but you were actually born with the ability to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are satisfied.  What would it be like to re-learn that again?  Not in 5 weeks perhaps, but over time, and in a way that suits the way *you* work….and that ‘drop a dress size’ happens… not for Christmas but on a random Tuesday afternoon in June or March or September, it just…well happened and when it did, it was a welcome, happy side effect of having a healthy, more relaxed and enjoyable relationship with food.

Now there’s a thought…

5 cool tips to stay happy and energised this season. . .

With the clocks recently going back an hour it marks the inevitability that winter is most certainly just around the corner.  So with the nights drawing in fast and the days becoming cooler, how can we stay immune this year to those winter blues that seem to catch so many people out and instead enjoy the season ahead?

What do we mean by Winter Blues?

Winter depression or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) can be triggered by reduced exposure to sunlight which is responsible for influencing levels of certain hormones such as: melatonin (relating to sleep, mood and energy levels).  It is thought that as many as 1 in 3 people are affected by SAD during the winter months.  Lack of energy and motivation, feeling less positive, disrupted sleep and less enjoyment in normal, everyday activities are all common symptoms of depression. If you are feeling depressed at the moment or know that you have felt like this during previous winters, there are things you can do right now to help yourself feel better and stay out of depression.

Tip 1: Get a light box

Getting the right amount of light each day is a basic human need but for people leaving the house in the dark and coming home in the dark, their exposure to sunlight is very low.  By using a light box each day, fortunately this can provide the extra light required in as little as 30 minutes per day.  The great news is, you don't have to stare at the light, you could be watching TV or reading and some boxes provide a gradual, progressive light that coincides with your wake up time.  One recommended supplier is www.lumie.com a company based in Cambridge who do delivery UK wide and overseas. I've just bought one of these in a desk lamp and it's done wonders for my energy levels.

Tip 2: Take physical exercise

Yes, I know, I know - for some, its often the last thing we feel like doing when it gets cooler and darker, however there are so many benefits to moving the body that its really worth giving this one a go.  Exercise raises levels of serotonin and dopamine, the brain chemicals responsible for feelings of satisfaction and motivation, imagine feeling more satisfied and motivated each day?  There is also evidence to suggest that exercise can cure depression more effectively than anti depressants.  If the idea of a sweaty body combat class at the gym brings you out in sweats just thinking about it, then start slow and build up. The trick is doing what you enjoy rather than what you 'think' you should do.  What makes you feel good not just after but during…dancing? Zumba? Hill walking? Cycling? Do what you enjoy and you are more likely to be consistent with it.

Tip 3: Don't focus on the negative

Depression can make people think differently - literally.  One of the differences between a depressed person and non depressed person is how they view things that happen.  Good things will be viewed by a depressed person as temporary (it won't last for long), nothing to do with them (I only passed because it was an easy exam) and specific (yes that's ok but the rest of my life is a disaster).  Bad things will be viewed by a depressed person: personal (it's all my fault), across the board (that's it everything is ruined now) and permanent (its never going to get better).  So good stuff is reframed as negative and bad stuff is viewed with a microscopic lens and looked at over and over again.  After just reading this, you may begin to notice your style and whether it leans towards a depressive or non depressive way of explanatory thinking.  One technique I teach depressed clients is to pick 3 things that they are grateful for each day and write it down and/or tell someone.  It can be the smallest things but can really help to encourage healthy, more realistic thinking styles which creates more hope, purpose and meaning.

 Tip 4: Get your needs met

All of us as human beings have physical and emotional needs in order to survive, develop and grow in life.  These are: sleep, nutrition, exercise, interaction with others, purpose and meaning, control and autonomy and creativity and challenge.  When people feel depressed, a cycle begins to happen starting with worrying, which affects sleep, which zaps energy levels which then steals the motivation to do the things they used to enjoy which in turn fuels the worrying cycle again.  If we go back a few steps and consider this: depression starts because, 1 or more needs are not being met in one's life.  Because of this, the brain starts to go into overdrive worrying to try and 'solve' the problem of unmet need/s.  You can see how a well meaning intention can in itself become a problem. So in order to break the cycle of worrying, it's a good idea to look at what needs are missing from your life and seek to get them met.  A warning sign is if you notice yourself cancelling plans to socialise or exercise or hobbies and activities you would normally enjoy.  Take yourself by the hand and make a plan to do one thing you used to enjoy and then rate it out of 10 as to how you feel before and after.  If its increased, make a plan to do it again soon after and you'll soon start to feel a difference.

Tip 5: Chill out

Behind the scenes of a depressed person, there is a very stressed brain that is working overtime, ruminating and catastrophising.  It triggers off the fight or flight response, instructing vast amounts of the stress hormone cortisol to be pumped around the body during waking and sleep time.  It can be exhausting beyond words for depressed people to function let alone go out and exercise, socialise and generally get their needs met.  So finding ways to calm down the build up of stress really is the first step (I've put it here as the last step so as to be the last thing you read and therefore focus on first). When you relax, the emotional brain calms right down which, levels out the rollercoaster of black and white thinking and allows the rational, more intelligent part of the brain to guide you again.  The 7/11 breathing method is one of the quickest ways to switch on the body's natural relaxation response.  Breathe in and count to 7 and breathe out and count to 11. (If 7/11 is too much switch to 5/8 or 3/5).  If it has been a while since you have done any relaxation, it can take a few times before getting the hang of it but just a few seconds of relaxation will do some good.

Finally, it's good to remember that depression is not something we are born with, it is a learned behaviour and so with the right tools and support there is every reason, it can be unlearned. There is not one definitive answer to beating depression, it is made up of doing lots of different things (the most important ones mentioned here) that actually as a normal, healthy functioning human being you would be doing anyway. 

Are you tired of being overweight but even more tired of diets?

Many people are in the situation of wanting to lose some extra pounds and are probably fairly aware of the sort of foods that they 'shouldn't' be eating, and of course those that they 'should'. But why is it that something just seems to be getting in the way of success? What is the answer without having to spend £££'s on new diet books, weight loss support groups, gym memberships or drastic gastric band surgery?

These motivational weight loss tips will help you to think, behave and feel more like a naturally slim person, which is the key to creating instinctively healthier habits, and a more effective tool than just pure willpower. 

The 'all or nothing' trap

Picture this: you're a few weeks into a healthy eating pattern and things are going well and then one afternoon you find yourself polishing off a slice of cake with a cup of tea, or feeling stuffed after a Saturday night takeaway with the family. What do you then hear yourself say? 'That's it I've blown it now, I might as well carry on and start again on Monday'. 

Changing your mind set

If you see yourself as an 'all or nothing' or 'black and white' person, you're not alone. Many people start things with the best intentions but give up because they 'fail' to follow the rules to the letter and feel like they are back to square one. Working towards a healthy weight is not a game of snakes and ladders. If you think you've had a bad day or bad week, chances are you're focusing on the negative. Instead, focus on what has been going well and stay focused on your goal.

As humans we are not robots, nor are we meant to be, and when we impose too much of a strict regime on ourselves we are likely to rebel against it. Birthdays, celebrations, visiting friends or family are all part of living a full and busy life and when you choose to enjoy certain foods now and again, without dwelling on it or feeling guilty, the more you begin to create a healthier relationship towards food. You may find that letting go of that 'ALL or nothing' approach can have its benefits in all sorts of other ways too. Similarly, you don't have to put ALL of these techniques into practice in order to see and feel progress happening.

But how do I curb the cravings?

The physical

Sugar addiction is like any other addiction, only that it is more socially acceptable. However, did you know that sugar is also linked to triggering anxiety and depression? Nutritionists and scientists have known for years that cravings can be linked to a drop in blood sugar levels. The nutritionist Patrick Holford believes that following a low GL diet and taking certain supplements can help to reduce sugar cravings significantly.

The psychological

From an emotional and psychological perspective, research findings suggest that when people crave a specific food, they have vivid images of that food i.e. they can see it, smell it, even taste it. The multisensory experience takes up so much of their cognitive brain power that it is very difficult to focus on anything else, which would explain why cravings are so disruptive. However, it has been revealed in more recent studies that by imagining common sights or images, i.e. a rainbow or specific smells, there is a definite reduction in cravings because it is triggering the cognitive part of the mind to focus away from the food imagery. 

Giving you time to think

It can feel like we are ruled by our emotions sometimes and the need to reach for food is no different. People talk about the 'binging trance' and it can certainly feel like that sometimes. Certain foods can feel like they are hypnotising you into the here and now, and you forget how you will feel later on when the guilt sets in. One way to begin to break this habit is to allow yourself enough time to imagine how you will feel 'after' the indulgence. Whether it's two minutes, one hour or the next day, really give yourself the experience of fast forwarding in your mind to that moment and then make your decision. Sometimes it might be worth it, but what you may find is that for the most part it is not.

Similarly, you can do this with exercise. People find themselves using all sorts of excuses for not doing it but that's because we miss out how it will feel 'after' the session. Imagine yourself standing a hot shower; feeling pleased with yourself for having honoured your body's need to move and then make your decision. You may also be interested to know that researchers at the University of Exeter have found that a brisk walk of just 15 minutes can reduce chocolate cravings.

Emotional eating

So what about all those times you've found yourself eating when you know you're not physically hungry? Emotional eating alone can explain why many people are carrying more fat than they would like to and it still doesn't solve the problem of feeling bored, sad, stressed or tired.

You can begin to overcome this cycle in becoming aware of what you are feeling when you reach for food. If it is not stomach hunger, then begin to make a plan as to how you can help yourself feel better in healthier ways. If you notice you eat when you're tired, it probably means you need to sleep not eat! If you do it when you're bored, think about what you haven't done for a while that you used to enjoy doing. If you notice you eat when you're celebrating or feeling happy, enjoy what it's like to experience the moment without the food.

You are more likely to keep those good feelings going for longer when you do that. Once you've begun to come up with more direct ways to work with those emotions, you'll not only be giving your body a well earned rest but you'll be giving your emotional intelligence a good workout too.

Finally, it helps to remember that there is no one set way of achieving your ideal weight - it takes time to figure out which method works best for you. For some people, just breaking down the 'all or nothing' mindset and learning to make changes in small steps works for them; for others it's really getting to grips with the emotional eating and changing what 'treats' means to them. Keep focusing on where you want to get to and what it will mean to you when you have a healthier relationship with food. And remember, if you've had a bad day, keep calm and carry on!

Sarah Turner is a Hypnotherapist based in Cambridge with a special interest in: Depression, Stress/Anxiety and Weight issues. Workshops and Individual sessions available in Cambridge as well as Skype Hypnotherapy sessions for UK and overseas clients.

How learning what it's *giving you* can be the key to giving up

If you've ever been a smoker, or indeed are still on a direct debit scheme to the tobacco industry, you will no doubt have asked yourself at some point, 'why do I do this?' and of course this will seem particularly frustrating if you have stopped (successfully) and then started again weeks, months or even years later.

And actually, the question to ask yourself is not *why* you do it but *when* you do it.

The smoking pattern works by attaching itself to certain lifestyle activities, such as socialising with friends and having a few drinks, or first thing in the morning with a coffee.  So asking the question, 'when do I find myself smoking those really 'significant' ones? - the ones where one thing doesn't feel right without the other, is one of the first steps to getting a handle on it.

Take the example of cigarettes and alcohol.  Many people will say to me when they want to stop, 'I don't know how I would still be able to go out and drink and NOT smoke'.  Yet other random cigarettes throughout the day they can take it or leave it.

So when are those times when the instinctive urge to smoke is so strong?

Once you have answered that question and maybe drawn up a list - this is useful information that you can begin to do something with and then ask yourself this next question….

What is it giving me? What has been the positive intention of smoking during those particular moments?  So it might look something like this…

So what's happening here is the unconscious mind (which cannot tell the difference between good or bad) just sees smoking as a way of (in this case) ….building relationships, feeling in control, relaxing and resting - all of which are basic human needs.   

Know where I'm going with this…?  So when you start to look at it from that perspective, it begins to become clear that when you begin to develop other ways to meet those needs (in ways that won't kill you), the need to smoke begins to become more and more redundant.

So…

When do I do it? What does it give me? And how can I meet those needs in other ways?  Of course you can use this method with any type of behaviour that you find difficult to control *consciously* and just notice how when you begin to listen to the unconscious mind, the answers become a lot clearer